My Tool Smells Funny

I've been sitting here for the last couple hours listening to Tool music (all the classics). It's weird. I smell drugs. Oftentimes a smell can spark vivid memory recall, but how often does a sound evoke an olfactory memory?

Four years ago I was smoking a lot of meth. How I got into it is irrelevant at this point. All that matters is that I remember the smell, and Tool is bringing it back. I don't know why, since I wasn't listening to Tool at the time.

I go through phases...cycles of musical interest. I don't have "favourite" bands or singers. I have favourite songs. Some bands and singers perform a lot of songs that I like, but I don't like all of their songs.

I'm in a Tool mood tonight because I was listening to CCR earlier. By the time I got to Bad Moon Rising, I just had to hear some cool progressive rock. Tool had been one of my favourites ever since I first saw the video for Sober back in 1993. That was the last year the Suns went to the Finals. They've been a disappointment lately.

But I'm sitting here listening to Schism and Parabola, and I keep smelling the same air I smelled when I was smoking meth three years ago. I don't do that anymore (it was only a month long experiment - I decided that it wasn't for me). I only like some drugs now, and only sometimes. I'm not a frequent user anymore.

I don't know why I'm experiencing the same smell. It's somewhat unnerving because I don't know what it means. What about this music is bringing me back to that time? What about that time was so significant that I'm smelling it now?

It's not a bad smell. It's interesting, actually. It's an unusual sweet, glassy smell.

I'm getting drugs in a few weeks for my ADD. I'm looking forward to it because I'm tired of not being able to focus. I don't want to be on drugs, though. I hate that my mind is so chaotic and atypical that I have to medicate myself just to relate to everyone else. I hate you all for making me have to do this. Why can't you all just open your minds and realise that structure is only good for smaller minds?

I like the constant chaos. I don't like that people can't understand it, and I like it even less that I can't describe the chaos to anyone's satisfaction. It's not my fault. People are close-minded assholes whose lives revolve around themselves. And to think - I've always allowed my life to revolve around the rest of the world. Who's the better person?

I had a dream last night that I was talking to the devil. I don't believe in a devil, but it was neat to sit and have a confrontation with the embodiment of the dark side of humankind. (I don't believe in evil, either.) Apparently, he and I are to have some sort of thing where one of us wins the others' soul. Not to underestimate my competition, but I'd put my money on me this time. He needs order. That's why he's in a pit - the order he sought was not the order he got. I don't need order, but I can utilise it. This should be interesting.

It's strange that I have dreams like that now that I've been off drugs entirely for months. I thought they were fucked up back then. Now I see and cause a lot of death and destruction in my dreams. Most of the times it's my own hands doing it. When was the last time you dreamed of killing someone with your bare hands?

It's a unique thing, this mind of mine. I like it. I want to keep it. I don't want to fuck it up with drugs, but I guess I'll bear using them to focus once in a while. Maybe then I can get something done here. Maybe my writing will make more sense. Maybe people won't be so stupid as to question me when they should know damn well that they're not going to understand. If it doesn't work, I can always quit.

I really like Tool. Their music allows me to delve deeper into my consciousness. But for some reason, they're making me smell drugs.