To Be or Not to Be

What should I do?

Briefly returning from my mental absence to find the questions piled against the walls. No one has been here to answer them for me, nor did I find any while I was away. There are more than there were before, and the ones before are buried deep under the ones there now. Where to start....

Where have I been for so long that I have nothing to show for the time I've been gone? Nowhere but in here, it seems, languishing in hazy ideas and thoughts with no meaning, no foundation, no bearing on the future that now confronts me. What am I? Who am I? What is to become of who or what I am? These questions pile higher and higher with no answer in sight. How did I get here, and where do I go now that I am here, and what direction is away from wherever I stand?

The questions I face offer no clues to the answers I seek, which are beyond my grasp and understanding, anyhow. What questions matter, and what answers do they hide that I hold them so dear, refusing to let go and clear the mess to which I temporarily awaken? Nothing but questions and inquiries and queries and ponderings and musings and wonderings aloud. If only I could sleep and dream and dream about sleeping, falling deeper and deeper into the trappings of thought, then perhaps an answer or even a hint as to where to look might find me searching where I've never looked before.

Why did I return? Why did I awaken? Why did I come back to this place that held no regard for whatever I offered or possibly might be? If it held none then, then why hold any now. What did I think would have changed, simply by vanishing into a place where no one could find me? How did I get here? I might never know, but for the steps I retrace to the beginning.

Who's to blame? Is there any blame to place? Or is it just the way it was meant to be? Did I do something wrong, or am I on the right path, or is there simply no wrong path or right answer to compare where I've been with where I am?

How did this happen, this state of unknowing? Did I misunderstand the directions? Was I even listening, or was I too busy talking to myself, much the way I am now?

Does anything matter? Can I go back to sleep? Can I go away and not worry about finding solutions to problems that I'm not even sure exist? Is it OK just to sit here, to lie here, to roll over and ignore what I've seen upon my arrival? If I answer these questions, will there be more questions than answers, waiting to spring forth and bury me deeper beneath this self-doubt?

Who do I turn to - to whom do I turn - when I no longer want to face the one who put these questions against these walls? Why did I do this? What was the point? Did I expect to find meaning? If so, then thus far I've failed, as there is no meaning in answers without questions, and the questions I've asked have no meaning that I have ever seen.

Perhaps the real questions are much simpler in nature, but finding those questions requires requestioning myself. Perhaps if I sleep again, the questions I've gathered will be gone by the time I next return.

But I don't like to speculate, which is why I ask questions, even if no answer ever finds its way to my knowledge. At least I understand that there is nothing I can know, and that even if I could know, I'd never understand. I'd rather understand and not know than know and not understand. For while knowledge cannot be obtained, understanding can at least be explained, at least to the point I am willing to try.

Which begs the question....