The American Cynic

Definition of apathy: zealous indifference

Ambrose Bierce defines a cynic as "a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be."

The cynic looks at the world with a certain child like perspective (not to be confused with "childish", which means "maintaining an immature attitude") in that he never predisposes cultural knowledge within himself when making an observation.

When a child will ask, "Why is the sky blue?", the cynic will most probably respond, "Because it exists." Not only is this an accurate answer to the question, wherein, if the sky did not exist, it would not be blue, it is also an ironic statement concerning the state of mind of the general population of the society in which he lives (in this case, the American cynic).

Whereas a child, in his childishness, will not understand the answer, the cynic has the maturity to understand the cultural relevance of his answer. At first glance, it may seem a very pessimistic response, as it presupposes that existence tends to be a depressing state for people, whether they are aware of this notion or not. In truth, it merely reflects the underlying mood of the culture itself, wherein the culture will apply an emotional value to a color in one instance, then apply the exact opposite value in another instance. For instance, I may be feeling a bit blue, but a clear blue sky ought to cheer me right up.

The cynic is often accused of pessimism by the uninitiated - or optimist.

The optimist is the most interesting of all the hypocrites, I think, because they are the people who will affirm that "things can only get better", despite conditions worsening by the moment. The level of ignorance involved in making such a statement under such depreciating conditions is such that, if quantified, it would quickly and permanently bankrupt the entire public school system, state universities included. In order to achieve that mind-numbingly dissociative level of thought, a person would have to be completely unaware of his own condition - ignorant of his ignorance.

The American cynic wields a powerful weapon. His insight cuts so deep as to tear religions asunder. As one culturally astute cynic pointed out when watching news of the Israeli/Palestine conflict, "Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff fought over Aaron Carter. How is this different?"

To be sure, there are two self-serving entities fighting over a property that holds no value other than what they place in it, and both entities were born with a sense of entitlement that, in their minds, assures them of their destiny. Although there are many other fish in the sea of cities and teenage pop stars, to deny the value of their current obsession would be to deny the significance of themselves. "How holy are we if our holy lands aren't holy enough to maintain?"

So instead of moving 20 miles to the north, south, or east, they fight over the same useless tract of land with no specific geographic or economic advantages. But a pop princess needs her pop prince, I guess.

One of the most humorous and ironic forms of cynicism comes with the "accidental cynic". This is a person so deeply ensconced in their own ethnocentric universe that their blinding ignorance is comically apparent to everyone but themselves. This is the person who wonders why, for instance, a Muslim won't eat pork, and thinks that it's the dumbest thing.

It's the ability to look past all the human socio-cultural constructs that paint the world an appealing rosy hue that makes for a good cynic. Nothing is more a human construct than a person's own beliefs, and to hold among those beliefs the idea that eating a particular animal will forever damn them seems rather counter-intuitive to the human compulsion towards survival.

The problem with the accidental cynic lies in his inherent hypocrisy. This person has every validation in his arsenal on high alert if a Muslim were to question the significance of weak wine and stale crackers at Catholic mass.

So in the end, the accidental cynic is useless, although a great example of the value of a classical cynic.

My senior year of high school, there was a poster board sign on the wall in the corner of my English class. It looked like this:

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IGNORANCE AND APATHY?

I DON'T KNOW

AND I DON'T CARE

Clever as it is, and cliche as it may have become, it is plain to see that a cynic wrote that. It makes too much sense. It breaks down the definitions of two relatively common words into our cultural language. That is, the writer recognized that these words, although used quite often, are pretty often misunderstood. He therefor wrote them in plain language that everyone in our society can understand - he translated common words into more common phrases. That's brilliant.

That's the essence of cynicism - to break down barriers and speak in terms of commonly understood truths. Where a normal person sees war as killing and politicking, a cynic looks at a war and sees an active cost-benefit analysis of the procurement of foreign lands and resources. But he can't say that because it doesn't make sense to some guy walking down the street. The cynic has to tell him that war is a violent business transaction. Iraq was Bush's St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

Now he gets it.

Unfortunately, our side underestimated the locals' resilience to perform their own active cost-benefit analysis, and we are now in the midst of an elaborate geopolitical hostile takeover.

See, I know what's going on over there. I just don't care.

Apathetic cynicism. What a novel idea.

Definition of indifference: mild apathy

Definition of cynic: A person who sees the world through the eyes of a child without the benefit of talking to or currently being a child.