Utilitarian Socialist Fundraiser

What is ten dollars worth to you? For only ten dollars, you can help feed and clothe a starving and abused child for a month. What does that get for you? Eternal peace and the presence of God's grace.

That's right.

I am raising funds to feed and clothe starving and abused children of broken inner city homes. Your donation of ten dollars gets you a free "I Fed Starvin' Marvin" South Park T-shirt, one .44 Magnum bullet to your head, and a bumper sticker that reads "I Lost My Mind Over Poverty".

Just walk up to our booth standing outside all entertainment and sporting venues on special performance or game nights, hand ten dollars in any form (two valid state issued IDs required for checks) to our lovely cashier/booth hostess, and our expert marksman will put the barrel of a brand new .44 Magnum revolver against your head and squeeze off a round, blowing your brains all over our sidewalk. If you would like to kneel with your hands tied and take two to the back of the skull, just tip our executioner an extra ten dollars, and you too can meet the sweet hereafter in style (toll booths not available).

Many people pay the same ten dollars every month on a starving child 5000 miles away. They get a yearly snapshot and a letter ostensibly written by the child they sponsor. With me, you get so much more. Eternal peace, a memorable exit, and the comfort of knowing that you helped save a child living in your own back yard. . .figuratively speaking, I hope.

It's time to take one for the team. We can't just go around killing innocent poor people without just cause, but no one says that you can't offer your place in the general population with a ten dollar donation. It is your right and duty as a citizen to do for your country what it cannot do for itself.

We are a nonprofit organization, so our overhead is low. I ask that you bring your own Hefty bag or other suitable means to dispose of your own body, and I recommend bringing a friend with a pick up truck or a sturdy trailer to take the carcass to the funeral parlor or other human body disposal method you prefer.

Our overhead is so low that we buy our bullets at K-Mart, so be sure to stop by your friendly neighborhood store today for all your drive by needs. While you're out, don't forget to drop into your local Walmart for a three cent savings on Hefty bags. Put a few people out of a job, destroy the spirits of a few hundred more Americans, and pass the savings onto the hereafter.

Maybe some of those people will benefit from your ten dollars. Maybe some of them will find it pointless to go on living and donate ten dollars themselves in the future. Either way, society benefits from one small donation and one 37 cent bullet. That's cheaper than the stamp it takes to send your check to starving Africans!

Not quite ready to end it all?

Bring a friend, a loved one, a spouse, an bunny-boiling-obsessed ex-lover. The son who has a lot of girl friends but no girlfriend. The daughter with a lot of boyfriends but no girl friend. We do not judge. We do not query. If a ten spot hits the table, someone is going to die. What better way to make a contribution to society and show all your peers just how superior a person you are?

Do it for your community. Do it for yourself.

This message brought to you by the Utilitarian Socialist Foundation, bringing about a stronger society through communal sacrifice. To make a donation without dying, please contact our headquarters by e-mail or by phone at the listings below. Thank you for your continued support, and thank you for helping us to thin the herd.